Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year?

Actually, if you are neurodivergent, possibly not.

Many people find enjoyment in the bright lights, the colourful decorations, the thoughtful presents, and the festive foods that come with the holiday period, but this can be a tough time of year for more people than you might think.

For example, imagine a young child, between five and eight years old. At this age, they might not necessarily understand that Christmas is temporary and that the seasonal changes that they might struggle to cope with will go away again.

Here are just a few of the things which can turn Christmas into chaos if they aren’t properly planned for, along with some tips and tricks for making sure this winter actually is the happiest season of all. Note that while these tips are mostly aimed at parents and children, they can be useful for any neurodivergent person who needs a little support this holiday season.

·        Flashing lights and constant noise

One problem neurodivergent individuals may experience is struggling with stimulation, such as bright or flashing lights or atypical loud noises; sensory sensitivities are fairly common in this community, and such lights can cause discomfort, sensory overload, and anxiety, along with physical symptoms like headaches and nausea. At Christmas time, this is taken to another level, with bright lights and music appearing everywhere from your own Christmas tree to your neighbours' houses and even your local shops and supermarkets.

A possible solution to this is to keep the number of flashing lights to a minimum in your own home. Perhaps try some nice, dim fairy lights if you desperately feel the need to have some, but don't go over the top. Also, consider having a space in your home, such as a bedroom, where there are no additional lights or decorations – this lets the neurodivergent person have a place to regulate if they need to.

·        Changes to routine

The winter holidays come with huge changes to everybody’s schedules, from workplaces and schools being closed to changes to the time people get out of bed or eat meals. The normal routine of everyday life is totally disrupted, and people who thrive on their routines may really struggle. Younger people, especially, might be confused as to why everyone is still in their pyjamas long after the day has started, or not understand why it’s called Christmas dinner when it’s dished up in the middle of the day.

For all of us, there is constant upheaval for the entire period, but neurodivergent people are the ones most likely to struggle with adapting to all the seasonal changes. And, by the time that upheaval has settled down, everything switches back again to how it was before. This can cause a significant amount of distress and discomfort; in the mind of an autistic child, for example, once a routine changes, it's set to stay that way for a while. But once they've actually got used to all the things surrounding Christmas (which can take several weeks) everything changes back again.

To help with this struggle and upheaval, it is important to keep as much of a normal routine as possible. Yes, things are going to change, but there are some things that can be maintained to provide a sense of security in what’s otherwise a stressful time. If you usually go for a walk with the dog in the morning, still go for that walk even on Christmas Day. If you eat dinner at a certain time or in a certain room, that's when and where your Christmas dinner (or lunch!) should be served.

Perhaps the most important thing is to provide plenty of warning about the changes that are about to occur, as well as offering some control to the neurodivergent person. If you are a manager who has neurodivergent staff, perhaps have a conversation with them as the holiday season approaches and ask them if they'll need any reasonable changes made. If you are a parent, sit your children down and explain to them what Christmas is and what they can expect. Give them as much control as possible over the conversations and allow them to ask questions, even if it is a topic you've already gone over.

Make sure you're approaching the subject with gentle curiosity and a willingness to change, rather than simply laying down a mandate and expecting people to fall in line. If your children are on the younger side, then maybe you might want to introduce a bit of fun to the scenario. For example, you could draw pictures with them of what Christmas will look like. When you start decorating the house, encourage them to join in. They might not want to, but just having the option can be helpful; the more control and the more participation they have, the easier it will be for them to adapt to the situation.

Also, if you decide you need to pack up some stuff to make room for Christmas decorations, be sure not to pack away their safe item, such as a specific blanket or teddy bear. That is their safety net, and without it, they will feel extremely vulnerable and less able to cope.

·        Different food

Food can be a significant problem at Christmas time for someone who is neurodivergent. For example, they may have reliable, safe foods, such as McDonald’s fries, that simply don't appear on your typical Christmas dinner plate. Even similar foods being swapped out, such as substituting their usual chicken with the traditional turkey, might cause a problem. Ultimately, it is not the same meat – and besides, turkey is the driest thing on planet Earth!

Another issue is the way in which the food is cooked. Take your vegetables. You might, on a normal day, roast your broccoli or use salt and pepper on your carrots. That all changes at Christmas. The broccoli is boiled and soft, the carrots are now covered in honey, and Brussels sprouts with almonds become a normal thing. Then, after Christmas, you return to serving up the same vegetables, with the previous seasoning and cooked as before, thinking that will be a safe option – after all, it was before the holiday! But in fact, that safe food has now been ruined by the Christmas version that was served up. However many times you tell your child it's the same food that they previously enjoyed, they likely won't go back to it. It's been violated, and you'll hit a brick wall you won't be able to get past.

Make sure that safe foods are always available. By all means, offer new food, but try not to change the safe ones. Make sure to offer choice in food choices, and when a neurodivergent person says no to something, listen.

·        Gift giving

If a neurotypical person gets a present they don't like at Christmas, they will most likely shrug inwardly, smile politely, and say thank you – and then regift it as soon as possible! But for someone who is neurodivergent, the idea of a 'white lie' might not compute. They have probably been told not to lie, so why would it suddenly be ok, and even expected, to do so now? If they truly didn't want the thing that you've given them, it is quite likely they will tell you exactly that, which can lead to hurt feelings and tension.

There can even be issues around what might seem to be the most basic of gifts, such as socks or gift boxes of fancy soaps. A lot of neurodivergent people wear a specific type of sock, maybe because they are particularly soft or due to where the seam sits. This preference for their usual, whatever that may be, is the same with toiletries, combined with the extra issue that neurodivergent people can have a proclivity towards skin issues.

This means there is a risk of causing disappointment even when gifting those steadfast stocking fillers which everyone normally happily accepts.

Equally, if you are in an office or school environment, then fun Christmassy games like Secret Santa may seem like a good way to spread the holiday spirit, but for someone who is neurodivergent, they can create confusion and fear. This is something that managers or teachers should be aware of before launching into what might feel like a simple and fun Christmas tradition.

Why not take advantage of wish lists, such as those that can be created on platforms such as Amazon or Redbubble? Or perhaps make a new tradition of sitting with your child while they write an old-fashioned letter to Santa, and maybe sneak a peek while they aren’t looking. And don't be tempted to come up with a surprise if someone has asked for something specific; this can make the neurodivergent person feel ignored, because you asked them to tell you what they wanted and then didn’t listen to the answer.

·        Conclusion

For someone who is neurotypical, all these things may indeed be enjoyable, but for a neurodivergent person, they can create extreme stress and even lead to a meltdown for some, which constitutes a temporary loss of behavioural control due to sensory overload, social stress, or changes in routine. Now, a frightening and sometimes painful experience can be seen as them being ungrateful or having a tantrum, when in fact, they simply can’t cope.

Not only that, but many neurodivergent people may already have a feeling that they are somehow 'different' from their peers. Suddenly being told they can't eat what they normally do or behave in the way that makes them feel comfortable can exacerbate that feeling – especially when everyone else around them seems to be having such a good time.

Again, this can be a particular problem for young children, especially those who are experiencing this feeling for the first time or are still coming to terms with their neurodiversity. But equally, there are a lot of people who may not have been diagnosed yet or who were diagnosed later in life, and this perception of being at odds with the rest of the world can also affect them.

 The bottom line of all of this is that Christmas is not about the bright lights, the fancy foods, and the surprise presents. Christmas is about family and friends, and with a little planning and explanation, someone who is neurodivergent can have every bit as happy a Christmas as everybody else. You can still celebrate the holidays and have a joyous time; you just might need to adapt a bit and keep things a bit calmer than you otherwise might.

But if you can do that, then it enables everyone to engage with Christmas on their own terms. And I think for every parent, it is exactly that engagement that makes Christmas the most wonderful time of the year.

Happy holidays to you all, and I'll see you in the new year!