A More Detailed Look into My Experiences and How They Have Shaped Tunnelite Services

‘I’m here, how can I help’ - why my experiences of bullying and mental health can help you

• Being a child isn’t easy. Being a child who’s ‘different’, in any way, is even less so. We tend to think of disabilities and mental health problems as things that happen to adults, but in reality, they can impact children too. Having a disability or mental health problem at a young age can lead to children experiencing a variety of negative outcomes if unsupported.

  Being different in these ways may lead to bullying or isolation at school. It may mean struggling to understand your own thoughts and experiences. And, sadly, it may even mean being ignored and unsupported by those people who are supposed to be able to help. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. Even as an adult, not everything is easy. There are challenges to be faced on every level. At 27 years old, I am still coming to terms with my own mental health conditions and my own experiences. But what I can say with 100% certainty is that I understand what you’re going through, because if I haven’t been through the exact same thing myself, you can be sure I’ve dealt with something similar.

  I was bullied, physically and emotionally, throughout my school days. I have always struggled with mental health problems, and I have often been disbelieved or dismissed. Despite working to improve my education, my school and university failed to provide me with the support I needed to succeed.

  This support, such as providing proper access arrangements and speaking with someone who really understood what I needed, could have made all the difference. But it wasn’t provided. There is a happy ending, though. I graduated in 2022 with an open bachelor’s degree and I am now working to help others by providing the help I didn’t get.

  Another thing I can say with confidence is that I’m here to listen. My goal is to act as a mentor, helping children, young people, and families who have been through what similar experiences to myself. That is why it is so important that I can tell my own story.

  
  

The weapons of a bully - crane flies and Christmas cards:

• In primary school, the bullying I encountered was largely psychological. It started off with an innocent encounter; a young boy in my class asked me to be his friend, but in hindsight his whole plan was to get close enough to bully me. By the time I got to secondary school, the bullying had become physical, but it was at the hands of this child that I suffered one of the first things that broke me.

  I used to enjoy giving out Christmas cards to all my classmates, it was just something I did that made me happy, and I hoped it would make them happy too. But this boy, my supposed friend, responded by saying he didn’t want a dirty card from me, ripping it up and throwing it in the bin. I remember looking at him in shock and tears and running out of the room. The toilets, with their locking doors in a room he wasn’t allowed into, became my safe haven.

  At my school, there was a nest of crane flies. I don’t know why, but I was always terrified of them. He used to go and get a handful of them and show them to me, then throw them in my face. He said if I told anybody he would find my family and murder them. I don’t think he understood what that meant, but I did.

  This ‘friendship’ severely affected my ability to trust others. I can see now it wasn’t a friendship, but a way of getting close to be a bully. But a young child can’t distinguish that, just as I couldn’t at the time.

  Bullying can take all kinds of forms. One of the hardest aspects of it for victims is when responsible adults, especially those who are supposed to help them, do nothing. One of the things I would love to do is work with schools to hone their anti-bullying policies. This is an area which those in the education sector have been working diligently on, and most schools now have these policies. Sometimes, though, they can be very tightly defined.

  Many such policies are based around the idea that bullying is something which is perpetrated by a single child or a group of children over several months, and in a harmful or dangerous way. This makes complete sense, but leads to a danger that more subtle incidents of bullying can be missed. Children experience subtle bullying in the same way as the more outright and noticeable kind, but nothing is done. That doesn’t teach anyone anything, and it doesn’t change what is happening.

  My belief – and what I try to do through Tunnelite – is that we collectively need to start helping children who are being bullied, or otherwise struggling, far earlier. I didn’t get the support I needed. I was one of the victims who didn’t know what to do. Then the anxious and paranoid side of my personality jumped in, and I started to wonder if I was the problem. The more it happened, the more I felt I couldn’t speak up because it wasn’t getting me anywhere.

  This is what is happening in the formative years of children’s lives. Even today at 27, I have to deal with the long-term effects of that bullying, and other environmental issues. I wonder if I’m wrong, if I’m to blame, if I’m just not good enough;  I wonder if something is happening at all, or if I’m being too sensitive. As an adult, this is difficult. As a child,  who has no idea where their thoughts and feelings come from, it can be devastating.

‘I walked around like a robot’ - coping with mental health struggles:

• One of the ways in which my experiences of bullying and trauma have impacted me is through difficulties with my mental health. Throughout my life, I’ve had various mental health problems. The rarest condition I have is called dissociative identity disorder (DID), but you may recognise by its former name – multiple personality disorder. People like me are treated like criminals or murderers by large sections of the media, especially in popular culture. From Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde to Fight Club, it’s rare to see anything positive about DID in the public consciousness.

  In reality, it is nothing like that. But that doesn’t mean coping with DID is easy. The most common cause for DID is significant ongoing trauma; in order to protect itself, the brain splits off certain feelings, memories, and experiences into an ‘alter’ that can handle them. What this means for me is that, when I was younger, I buried all my feelings to a point where they separated into different people, each of whom helps to carry the weight of my history.

  My condition has impacted my life in many ways. When I was 16, I had a mental breakdown which took me out of school entirely; I was effectively expelled for having a mental health condition, when what I really needed was support from the teachers and medical professionals that were supposedly there to help. My A-Levels were delayed, and I had to arrange to take them at college, rather than in the sixth form as I had been planning. I was scared, I was misunderstood, and I was alone.

  The day before I turned 18 my psychiatrist said I had DID, but I was immediately discharged because I was an adult. I finally had a name for what I was experiencing, but the help I needed had disappeared. Despite this, I thought I could go to university and even thought I had found one that met my needs. However, two weeks into the first semester, I realised the support I needed and had been promised didn’t exist.

  I ended up missing classes, swinging between working too hard and being unable to even look at my assignments, and turning to alcohol. To make things worse, my doctors decided to take me off my medication, which had been helping, although it wasn’t enough on its own. Things spiralled out of control and I all but failed my first year. Half-way through my second year, I left university and spent the next six months in a state of extreme depression; I wasn’t laying in bed or crying my eyes out. I simply couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t feel anything. I walked around like a robot.

  Eventually, I managed to get a place at the Open University. Things weren’t easy, but I managed to battle through and graduated in 2022. However, it wasn’t until I started getting the right therapy at 25 that I was able to start to really embrace life and understand what my illness is and how to manage it.

  The point I want to make is that it shouldn’t have been that hard, and I want to make it easier for others going through similar circumstances.

  
  

Helping ‘numb’ children soar like butterflies:

• There is so much in daily life which young people struggle with, much of which I have experienced myself. As an adult, I’m starting to get it together. I’m able to say, ‘I’m here, I understand, how can I help?’ If children and young people are able to be open about some of the numbness and overwhelming emotions they feel, and can talk to people who have a level of understanding, it could make all the difference in the world.

  For me, the turning point was when I met somebody, a peer mentor, who understood what it is like to live with a disability. Now, I want to pass that experience on. I feel I can talk to young people openly, and I think they can see someone in me who can truly understand them, and possibly more importantly, will believe what they say – and believe in them.

  Part of my job is making sure young people don’t lose that spark and interest in life. The world is a beautiful place, but traumatic experiences and mental health issues can make it harder to see that. Life can be beautiful, but it can also be awful, and it can be filled with so many challenges. However, I know I can face them with time and support – and so can others if they’re willing and able to reach out for help.

  One of my clients said our meetings are the best part of their week. My clients make so much progress because they know they can talk to me and that I understand, either through personal experience or through similar events in my own history. I am able to offer them the advice they need to make real changes in their lives, to find  unique solutions to match their individual needs, or even just to listen with a sympathetic ear, if that’s what they want.

  I can’t wait to see how they will feel when they find their confidence. It will be like watching butterflies coming out of a chrysalis.

  I offer a host of services, from mentorship and tutoring to mental health workshops. If you want to know more about how I can help you or your child, you can fill out an enquiry form here or contact me on Facebook.